People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. out of the fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
THICH NHAT HANH
Pain is inevitable. At some point in our lives, we all hit that rock bottom. I also went through that and am still in the process of recovering or healing myself. From my journey of self-healing here I m sharing some of the ways that helped me to get through my hurdles.
What is unresolved pain and how I made it possible that I took my power back ?
Unresolved pain is something that has its roots in our past which directs our life’s choices, and decisions in a subconscious way. As we grow, life throws too many challenges at us. Sometimes we get past their pain and a lot of times we tend to carry them, buried deep down inside us, all our lives.
But little do we know, until we will resolve them or get those overwhelming emotions away from our chest they will keep haunting us in our lives.
Some of those experiences can be of :
experience of child sexual-physical-verbal abuse, childhood trauma, loss of a loved one, emotional unavailable parent, overly anxious parents, bullying, body shaming, rocky relationship of parents, separation from a parent, neglect
“A few months back I realized that I have emotionally unavailable parents. By this I mean the best parents one could have yet with a void of emotional connection. As i reflected on my life, I found that I am repeating those whole childhood experiences knowingly or unknowing in my life.
So, one day I was shattered and crushed all by whatever was happening during that time in my life. I was unable to figure out what’s the reason for all these miseries. I wanted to connect to my mother and wanted to be heard and seen by her before anyone else about my feelings and emotion. Before this episode, many times I attempted to show my vulnerable self to her but all I felt was that it is my fault if I m feeling so .. I am not good enough..or..negative criticism in an unjust manner.
I knew that maybe this time also I might come out as even more hurt but I tried..and things came out as same. But this time I had an understanding of these inner demons and thought maybe there is something from my mother’s childhood that makes her so. Then with all my courage, I asked her, if had her parents ever talked to her about her inner feelings, dreams, desires, and fears, or expressed theirs to her? and so shockingly answer that came was “no”.
I felt numb and weak in my knees… my body was covered with an unexplainable emptiness and a few minutes later after regaining myself I was smiling by looking at her … I have got all my answers. From that day my complaints began to fade away.
If you’ve had any hard experiences in your past, it can leave you with a deep unhealed emotional wound. You may feel you’re not good enough, anxiety can come over any time, choked feeling all day long, low self-esteem issues, depression, panic attacks, not being able to trust or open up to anyone, etc.
Your emotions rule upon you, rather than you ruling your emotions.
This may make you stoned and stuck in all those experiences which once gave you pain. In everyday life you may resist your growth by yourself, by not facing a situation that is full of uncertainty and fear; but it’s where our growth lies.
Freud said we have a “compulsion to repeat”. Sometimes we may find ourselves going through similar suffering again and again.
Unresolved trauma can be seen as being in an abusive relationship, not being able to open up to your partner, not able to trust anyone again, feeling of fear due to uncertainty, insecure or anxious or avoidant attachment style in our close relationships, hostility towards authority figures, anger, sleep difficulty, addiction, substance abuse and many more physical diseases.
STEPS TO BREAK THE SHACKLES OF UNRESOLVED TRAUMA.
1. Mindfulness: It’s the art of being in the present moment, giving kind attention to your thoughts, emotions, and feelings non-judgmentally. Mindfulness is a state in which we can be all day long by daily practicing it and by believing in its magic.
We all have is monkey mind which sometimes broods over the past or gets into the chain of excessive worrying about the future and does not allow us to feel the contentment of the present moment.
Mindfulness can be done in many forms one is to inhale the cold air through your nostrils and feel it going through your throat to your lungs, they are getting expanded, hold your breath for a moment and then release it through your mouth.
In this way, your mind will get trained to focus on your breath and observe your surroundings non-judgmentally slowly all the overwhelming emotion will lose their grip and you will be free from the cycle of automatic negative thoughts making you less reactive and impulsive towards your surroundings.
2. Move your body: Mind and body are connected. You can see the effects of your thoughts on your physiology and vice versa.
For example: Whenever you are angry your heartbeat fastens, your breath becomes shallow, your palms become sweaty and in your mind, the train of thought is at its highest pace. On the contrary, sitting under a tree in a peaceful environment makes our heartbeat normal, deep breaths with relaxed muscles and less number of thoughts wander in our mind and those fewer thoughts are also deep and insightful; the moments when your soul communicates with you.
So in the same way our body movements can boost our mood and relieves stress. a recent study published in the JAMA Psychiatry journal supported the theory that “physical activity is an effective preventive strategy for depression and depression may result in decreased physical activity”. 20 minutes of yoga, exercise, gym, walking, running, tai-chi, etc can do wonders.
3. Self-expression: Through self-expression, we can show our true feelings and thoughts instead of suppressing and pushing them down. Giving value to our thoughts and feelings is important. Rather than asking for validation from others, giving self-validation is a healthy practice. Painting, illustration, singing, poetry, and dancing can be such ways.
4. Moments of flow: Imagine yourself skiing on snow, you are at the peak of your awareness, which movement and turn to make next, rising snowflakes in the sky. YOUR MIND IS NEITHER IN THE PAST NOR IN THE FUTURE. Such moments are called the flow where there is nothing in your mind other than the present task or a moment. Creating such moments in your life gives happiness, joy, and contentment.
5. Giving meaning to every moment : Some people say we should live a meaningful life but what happens is because of this statement we think, we will get that meaning at some point of time in our lives and then we start living that meaningful life.
But I believe, that if we start giving meaning to each moment of our lives and link it to our higher purpose we can never lose our spirit by this way, we will always be connected to the things that mean the most to us.
A lot of souls give up on their lives at the cost of abundance and purposefulness of their lives. Everybody talks about physical health but little did people know the oneness of body and mind and how they are interconnected. If one degrades chances are 100% that the other will get affected too.
In this 21st century, our heart has become the graveyard of these rotten emotions due to a lack of awareness about untangling OR healing your suppressed or unaddressed emotions. Sometimes shame in seeking help or sometimes our rigidity of dealing with it all alone grips us.
Rather than living without filters keep on hiding our true selves and just keep holding back. SEEK HELP FROM A COUNSELOR OR ANY MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. Through self-compassion and talking about your issues, your can win over your demons.
ManoSathi 